Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The 2008 RoPas: Five Dumbest Rogers Park Moronic Idiot Posts of 2008

Rogers Park is sick, and let's face it, it's not getting any better. So, why not just give up and celebrate the sickness. Each day our many intrepid citizen journalists ("the bloggers") add a little more to the mess. It's time we gave serious recognition to their efforts.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:

The 2008 RoPas--The Five Dumbest Rogers Park Moronic Idiot Blog Posts of 2008.

It was not easy to pick only five. I wish I could have picked them all. Keep your fingers crossed--there's always next year.

The winners are:

#5 Rogers Park's Latest Mock Blog : The Stench
We couldn't select just a single post (they're all the same), so we decided to recognize the whole blog in this case. Points for trying, but the 4th grade writing skills really don't make for killer satire in quite the way the author obviously thinks it does. Some advice: it helps to have more brains than the people you mock. Also, I ordered this martini dry. Get on it. (By the way, your talentless band sucks.)

The Stench


#4 Yes, you deserve it
Joe "Captain Obvious" Zekas of Yo! Chicago dares to ask a really hard-hitting question. Kind of weak sauce, but whatever. He clearly wants to bash the RP bloggers' heads in, but he's being restrained because he is some kind of real estate "professional." We respect that so much, Joe.

Does Rogers Park deserve its bloggers?


#3 You're a Canadian tranny (And I can't help loving you)
"The other bloggers get more attention than I do, so I'm going to call them names." Rogers Park's most enduring schoolgirl hatecrush, WestMann. It's Rogers Park's own Brangelina, but totally fucking gay. Soon to be made into its own WB series.

Mannis: Self-Denying Creepy Stalker Tranny


#2 Waaah! A lady I repeatedly harassed online tossed a beer at my head.
Really, throwing a beer? I'm sorry, that is no way for a lady to act. A cupful of beer should never be tossed at a person. Next time, heft the whole keg over your head and hurl it with great force. Thank you.

Ald. Moore Aide Assaults Blogger


#1 Man down. I don't think he's breathing. Quick--let's videotape him for YouTube
Wonder Twin powers--activate.

A recap: Apparently an alleged member of Rogers Park's famed Guild of Habitual Sidewalk Drunks passed out on the street, and two ambulance-chasing bloggers heard about this "news" via their omnipresent police scanner. Like a middle-aged Batman and Robin, they quickly pulled up their white tube socks, fastened their Jansport fanny packs, mounted their bikemobiles, and pedaled furiously to the scene. There was not a minute to lose. Once there, they tried to offer help to the man in any way they possibly could. By help, I mean stand there and videotape him passed out on sidewalk. You know, for their blogs.

As citizen journalists, it was the least they could do. The very least. They then proceeded to harass the paramedics who arrived on the scene, the legitimate professionals there to offer medical assistance to the man. After heavy editing intending to make the citizen journalists look heroic, the video was uploaded to YouTube.

But the stunt backfired. They didn't look heroic--they looked like cowards. It turns out that people uniformly saw through the charade. Here's just a small sample of the user comments regarding what they did, which, for YouTube comments happen to be amazingly lucid:

"It is extremely obvious that you didn't care about the man on the ground," "exploiting," "selfish," "sick," "jackass," "douchbags," "this does sound like a set-up," "Get a job and quit messing with people who have one....," etc. etc.

Bloggers Assaulted by Chicago Cop, Paramedic

Thank you citizens! We'd do the same for you. Promise.